


Just for You

by h_itoshi



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, There's really nothing nice about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23432683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h_itoshi/pseuds/h_itoshi
Summary: ”You know you need help, right?” Chinen asks, his voice cool and quiet, covering up the turmoil of frustration inside his chest.
Relationships: Chinen Yuri/Yamada Ryosuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Just for You

**Author's Note:**

> I never ever really write pure angst but this is pretty much how I feel about jump right now so. Even if I am sorry, I'm not really that sorry

”You know you need help, right?” Chinen asks, his voice cool and quiet, covering up the turmoil of frustration inside his chest.

Yamada doesn’t reply, and Chinen would be surprised if he did.

He’s still shaking, hands trembling and a full body shiver wrecking him occasionally, trying to draw deep breaths but it comes out more like choked gasps.

There are tearstreaks on his cheeks and his face is blotchy red, the cold sweat glistening on his tanned skin in the dim light.

There’s another buzz from Chinen’s phone in his pocket but he ignores it, again. They’re all worried, but they should know that he can fix this on his own.

And that’s the worst part.

Yamada’s never been fine. He’s been more or less okay, but he was never fine. There was bullying and eating disorders and anxiety, but it’s never been this bad. Never full blown panic attacks while working, never before other people.

”I just...” Yamada starts where he sits on a speaker under the stage in Tokyo Dome, stroking back his sweaty bangs with a shaking hand, and he breaks off with an unsteady breath.

Chinen immediately crouches before him and reaches for his hands, holding them tight in his own as he pushes down any of his own emotions, sensing all too well that a relapse is coming. ”It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. I’m here.”

Yamada nods, tears welling up in his eyes and Chinen’s entire chest hurts so bad he feels like he was just stabbed. Because this is all his fault.

Everybody keeps telling him that it's not. His sister, all the members of Best, even Yamada’s mom. But it doesn’t matter, because even though they all say it, it’s just the politically correct version. It shouldn’t be his fault, but it is.

He squeezes Yamada’s hands tighter, drawing a deep breath as he looks up at him steadily, and a small part of him twinges at seeing Yamada so distraught. It’s his heart, but he tries to ignore that.

”I’m so sorry.” Yamada whispers, voice fragile and Chinen breaks on the inside. ”You shouldn’t have to do this.”

No, he shouldn’t. They’re not what they used to be, and this isn’t Chinen’s job anymore. He’s tired of it, tired of being the only thing holding Yamada together and carrying the sole responsibility of his mental health in his careless hands.

Because he can’t do it anymore. He’s been through a hundred anxiety induced crying session, tens of panic attacks, and a couple of faintings due to fatigue and malnutrition. Chinen’s been there for all of it, and he can’t do any more. He needs a break, needs a life where he can focus on himself, where he doesn’t have to watch what he says, where he can be grumpy after a long work day without setting something off.

”Don’t worry about that.” Chinen says softly, the pain in his chest spilling out into his voice. ”I care about you.”

It’s not a lie. Somewhere inside, there’s still a love for Yamada as vibrant and blossoming as it was on day one. But it’s covered up by negative emotions like a dirty window that the light can’t get through anymore.

When they broke up, Yamada plummeted. Chinen’s seen it but tried his best to ignore it, even if it hurt his insides so much he's wanted to cut himself open and physically tug the emotions out.

He feels guilty, selfish, and like the worst person on the planet, because he could so easily fix this, and instead he just stands by and watches the trainwreck happen.

But he can’t be bothered anymore. He cares about Yamada, but this isn’t what he’s supposed to do. He’s not the one that should sit on the floor before his hysterical ex boyfriend, ex best friend, and hold his hands and tell him everything will be okay. Because it won’t be okay.

”You don’t have to lie to me.” Yamada says quietly, but his voice is less shaky, if a little more heartbroken.

”I’m not.” Chinen insists firmly, and Yamada’s hands in his reflexively curl a little before falling limp again.

”I’m sorry.” He repeats, and the words are triggering to Chinen but he draws a deep breath to try and keep the wave of anger under control.

He’s heard them so many times, and he knows Yamada is sorry. So damn sorry. It’s not like he wants to be an unstable mess, to freak out over nothing and anything, to be jealous and easily impressionable. But that doesn’t take away the fact that he is.

”It’s okay.” Chinen repeats, voice soothing, and this time, he’s lying through his teeth.

Slowly, he pushes himself up from the floor, disentangling himself from Yamada’s hands to sit down next to him instead.

He wraps his arms around Yamada, and the way Yamada clings to him immediately makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t want this responsibility. Not anymore.

He tenses a little but Yamada doesn’t seem to notice, just desperately holds on to Chinen as he tries to calm his respiratory rate, the heat of his breath grazing Chinen’s neck and it makes him want to shift away. But he doesn’t, because putting Yamada back together is important.

For his own sake, and for everyone else around him. They have group work right now for god’s sake, and this is delaying it plenty.

”I miss you.” Yamada mumbles, so quietly it’s mostly breath and Chinen pretends not to hear it. Focuses on the knives stabbing his lungs and the pain stealing his breath.

He doesn’t miss Yamada.

Only late at night when he can't sleep, when they’ve been apart for a while, when his mind brings forth the romantizied version of him, of what they used to be.

Chinen remembers their late nights eating pizza and gaming, sleeping too little and getting yelled at by their managers. The way they could talk about anything, the way Yamada understood him so well and made him laugh like no one else ever has. The way Yamada's touch felt on his skin. Yamada’s sparkling, healthy smile and motivation for life. Chinen’s in love with that. Not this.

It crushes his soul a little bit every day he has to walk into work and face the reality of the person he keeps drifting back to loving in his mind, until he meets him. Yamada's making enemies wherever he goes these days, because he won't talk to anyone unless he's obliged to by a contract, and he disregards anyone that cares for him. There aren't many friends left that can be bothered with him.

Inoo and Yuto hates him, even if Yuto's always been weird about Yamada, at one point enough to make Chinen mad at him. But Inoo's different, he never thought Yamada was that much fun to begin with, and now, he takes any chance he can telling Chinen what a good decision he made leaving him.

It's meant to be supportive and helpful, and Chinen likes Inoo a lot, but it's getting on his nerves how Inoo seems to just spew out bad things about Yamada's behaviour. Even if he knows it's not entirely uncalled for. But he still feels protective over anyone saying bad things about Yamada, and he wishes it would just stop.

He wants to stop caring, to be relieved of the reflex to help him, protect him, explain his behaviour. He wishes they didn't have to be in a group together, because there's no way Chinen's getting over him when he's right here in his arms trying to catch his breath.

“I'm a mess.” Yamada mumbles against Chinen's shoulder, and this time, Chinen decides to hear him.

“You need help.” He repeats, trying his hardest to keep any irritation from his words because even the slightest hint of impatience will set Yamada off again.

“I don't want help.” Is the quiet answer, and Chinen tenses, the fury boiling up in his chest because he doesn't care if Yamada wants help. What he wants isn't important right now, not when his mental state makes him liable to break down into tears mid-song on stage, to fall to pieces during practise and make everyone rearrange the schedule to give him time to calm down.

Yamada clearly senses his shift in mood, his hands clutching tighter at Chinen's sweaty T-shirt like he's trying to keep him where he is. “I'm sorry! I'm sorry.”

“Don't you want to live your life without this again?” Chinen asks, and keeping calm in these situations could be the biggest achievement in acting he'll ever manage.

There's a silence, and Yamada holds his breath for a moment, long enough to make Chinen feel cold.

“... Yes.” He finally says, and Chinen relaxes a little, but not entirely. The pause was too long.

“Good.” Chinen settles with, voice soft, because he can't keep arguing. It'll just pressure Yamada and he'll freak out again.

Yamada slowly relaxes in his arms, and Chinen doesn't say anything else, just holds him close like he's always done, except it's nothing like that. He wants this to be over, he feels like his private space is invaded in a way he never used to, and he tries to think of anything besides how badly he doesn't want to be in this situation right now.

How he wants Yamada far away from him, crying in someone else's arms and slowly tearing down someone else with his illness. It's not fair to think that way, he knows it's not, because it's not Yamada's fault he's sick. And it's not his fault he won't get help, because his anxiety stops him from it, makes him believe it's all his fault and he shouldn't burden anyone else with it. At least that's the conclusion Chinen's come to after having heard Yamada try to explain with tears streaming down his cheeks, several different times for the past ten years.

Finally, Chinen pulls back, and Yamada sits back properly, only his hands trembling a little as he draws a deep breath without looking at Chinen.

“How are you doing?” Chinen asks, his voice light and soft, and Yamada wets his lips, nodding slowly.

“I'm okay.” He says, slowly, like he's testing it out, and Chinen watches him warily. “I'll... Just go clean myself up.”

Yamada rises, standing still for a moment and draws a deep breath, and then walks away, the same pace he usually does, and Chinen knows he's going to cry again in the bathroom. But hopefully, he'll come back to himself faster now that the worst part is over.

Chinen watches him disappear around the corner before raising his arm to his neck, rubbing the spot where Yamada's breath was because he can still feel the hot, moist feeling on his skin and it makes him feel a little violated.

He draws a deep breath of his own, and slowly pulls his phone from his pocket, a list of worried messages from Hikaru and his manager glowing on the screen, but Chinen ignores them and goes to his contact list.

He never usually meddles, ever, but somebody needs to save their group, and if Chinen has to do this one more time, he might actually quit himself.

He scrolls through his contact list and finds Yamada's manager, draws another breath to steel himself and thinks about Yamada's too long pause. And then presses call.


End file.
